Eating breakfast my eyes search the cherry tree outside the window for birds. My heart turns to Jesus and instantly I feel bad because it seems like I’m not making enough effort to spend time together, making me feel distanced from him.
As I catch his heart I’m suddenly aware that my feelings of condemnation and guilt hurt him. It’s not that he withdraws but I do when I get down on myself. It quickly pulls me away from the intimacy of our relationship. He hurts, not because I haven’t made time in my busy days but because I am feeling guilty about it.
I’m learning that being pure doesn’t look like I’ve always believed. I was seeing purity as having to do with myself and my choices, but it’s less about myself getting cleaned up and more about my relationship with Jesus. Not, “What have I done today?” but, “How is my heart toward him?”
Recently I was reminded of a letter I got from a woman passionately pursuing Jesus. She had read my book, The Wild Romancer, and was referring to the day I asked Holy Spirit to prepare me for my King. It was in the context of Hagai preparing Esther for her night with the king. Besides her training, just preparing her physical body took a year of soaking in myrrh, perfumes, and ointments.
The day I refer to in my book, I had realized that I knew nothing about being with Jesus as my King. I just wanted to barge into his bedchamber without any preparation, unshowered, and wearing my dirty clothes. That day I gave Holy Spirit an impassioned speech letting him know I was ready to be put under his charge.
Twenty-four years later, to the very day of submitting myself to Holy Spirit, I was given a dream where Jesus invited me to come away with him. Before you panic over it taking that long, it didn’t. Preparation is a process, not an event.
The woman, in her letter to me, expressed disappointment over having asked Holy Spirit many times to get her ready for the King “and I am sure I’m messing that up somehow because there has been no response…”
First of all, being prepared for the King isn’t the same as our having wonderful times with Jesus, our Bridegroom Lover. Jesus loves us and will take us any way he can get us because he is our best Friend. However, having Holy Spirit “prepare us for the King” is different—it is asking Holy Spirit to change us into who we were created to be.
Even after asking, we may feel like nothing has happened. I remember feeling that way for a long time. Yet when I looked back I could see ways Holy Spirit was pointing out things. For example, rushing my time with Jesus because “I have a life.” Rushing to the goal and not noticing the journey (do you sense a theme here?). How willing was I to be used in a ministry that wasn’t fun? (Not.) Change also takes a heart that is willing to change even when it’s hard or we don’t really want to change.
We’re not talking about anything drastic. Big changes do happen, like the day I had a spiritual breakdown. However, I’m talking here about small, daily changes. Changes that we don’t realize are happening or that we only pick up on because our hearts have become more sensitive to pleasing our King. Esther didn’t get all the top layers of her skin scraped off in a week. She had to soak in baths of myrrh for six months, an astringent that strips your skin. We look for big changes or overnight changes. “Well, last week I would say negative things about people but I don’t do that anymore now.”
Being prepared for the King is a lifelong process. However, it is a reward in itself every time you realize that you are changing, that Jesus is gently pointing things out, and that you please his heart. Also, change doesn’t come harshly. God is gentle and points things out in love.
When Jesus gives me a glimpse into my true self I may burst out laughing because I know exactly what he’s referring to, like how I’m not as adventurous as I like to think I am. Other times it may hurt my heart because of how it hurts his. For example, I need to allow the blood of Jesus to cover painful memories and heal them. Healing takes the power of emotions out of the memory.
Then there are times when a change comes as an “aha” moment, a new revelation taking me deeper in understanding.
Recently I learned a big lesson that keeps on expanding. Holy Spirit is teaching me not to pray out of fear or what “reality” I see. Fear binds God’s hands in the situation. While God will be at work in the situation, my gripping it tightly wanting my own outcome hinders him from working it out his way. Remember in Matthew 13:58 how Jesus didn’t perform many miracles in Nazareth “because of their unbelief”? He wants me to pray out of gratitude for what he is doing and has done.
Changing my prayers from fear to gratitude changes the atmosphere, changes who I allow to control my mind, and it has power in the Kingdom realm to change the situation. Holy Spirit pointing out how I can change my prayers has been a powerful lesson. You may not see this as Holy Spirit preparing us for the King but every way we become purer and closer is definitely doing that.
What is our perception of Holy Spirit getting us ready for the King? That’s what can set us up for disappointment. Where are we starting from? What are our expectations? Are those expectations relevant to who we are and not based on others’ experiences? Holy Spirit works in us even when we don’t notice so we can’t measure “preparation” on a yardstick. “Yes,” we want to say, “I’ve completed ‘Prep 101’ and now I’m moving on to ‘The King’s Favorite Things.’”
The issues Holy Spirit points out aren’t harsh, he shows us with love and humor. Most of the things I realize I need to change come by merely being with Jesus. The closer I get to him the more I see my heart and want to change.
Two days ago, without even thinking about change, I listed eight things I feel that Jesus has recently been showing me about myself. Things like how, when it’s something I don’t really want to do, it feels like work. Or when my imagination isn’t very good then I have an attitude about it. He pointed out how instead of ruminating over frustrations he wants me to quickly focus on him. I’ve had a lesson on not letting fear grow roots in me but to instead grow a bouquet of sweet-smelling flowers.
This process isn’t a one-time thing and boom—we’re ready for the King! It’s life-long, but it’s a joy when it’s walking side-by-side with Jesus.
Good stuff, Brenda.
In most cases, I protest change in my life. However, I do love it when God brings about changes in me to mature me spiritually. (Well, I may not love the process, but I love the results.) The changes do come oh-so-slowly, but it fills me with joy and gratitude because, as you said, it shows I’m “growing closer to him.”
“God is gentle and points things out in love.” Oh, yes he does! And I am learning to be more patient with myself as I see myself more as he sees me—and the more I stay close to his heart.
Thanks, Brenda.
Yes, it’s rewarding to recognize where we’ve changed, but it feels like it happens so slowly. I guess that’s the nature of change though, lol. I’m like you in that I don’t really like life-changes, I prefer life to flow along in my happy little rut. :)
Brenda,
Thanks for reminding me that getting closer to Jesus is a journey, not a once and done deal. I tend to want to change…NOW! You continue to inspire me to reaching for those those things that are before, forgetting those things that are past until I reach the prize of really knowing Him face to face.
We all want it NOW, lol, me too! But I guess if we changed that fast it’d take God’s bulldozer and that’d be rough. I’ve also realized that the closer we get, the smaller the changes, so we have to be alert to recognize them. :)