Sexuality and Intimacy with Jesus
Preface: There is a pervading misconception that intimacy with Jesus must be sexual. I mean, how could we experience intimacy in any other way? What does intimacy with Jesus look like if it isn’t sexual? Because my love language is physical touch, I was led astray into thinking that sexuality and Jesus could be mixed. But truthfully, the agape love of God transcends eros or sexual love. It’s richer, fuller, bigger, more passionate, more constant, longer-lasting and beside it eros looks like a mere shadow in comparison. Eros can often turn into lust, a desire for sexual pleasure from someone else. But in agape love, there is no selfishness. It’s completely consumed with the one loved.
Each person’s story of Jesus’ love will look slightly differently because we each are different people and each receive love in different ways. As I mentioned, my love language is physical touch. And I can honestly say, that even with touch as my primary love language, I have been able to experience Jesus’ love in authentic relationship and found it to be deeper and more passionate than I could ever have guessed. And it’s not sexual. It’s better. It completely satisfies me in a way that not even sexuality can.
Drugs, sex and alcohol are the big three that the enemy tries to distract us with away from the love of God which is the substance for which we are actually longing. Jesus is the soul of true intimacy. He made us to be intimate with Him. This is something for both women and men. And please readers, know that Jesus meets us where we are at. He is a gentleman. He loves and accepts us as we are. He is unbelievably gentle and tender with us. If you have had sexual experiences with Jesus, or are worried about having them, or if you just long for the authentic love He promises, read on.
The Ugly: This is my story, the good, the bad, the ugly. I will share the ugly side first, and then the good, to answer the question, if a relationship with Jesus isn’t sexual, then how can it be intimate?
I had an experience of strong spiritual warfare, which happened to result in three psychotic breaks. The spiritual warfare would start up whenever I was seeking Jesus on a deep level and trying to hear His voice. Just before one of those breaks, I experienced sexuality with – what I thought was Jesus at the time, but then later realized it was not. Let me explain.
Note, the following paragraph includes graphic sexual details and I write this as a trigger warning for those who are not wanting to read something like that.
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In this experience, I was lying in my bed at night, and I was deep in a spiritual state of listening to the spiritual world. I felt what seemed like wispy, ethereal fingers and hands reaching into my vagina and moving around in a stimulating way. This continued all night until I was very aroused. The voice I was hearing told me not to move or do anything, just allow it to happen, so I did, thinking that this experience was knowing Jesus in a sexual way, because I was part of the bride of Christ, and that Satan was on the outside looking in very jealous and angry. The wispy fingers continued touching until I was almost at the point of an orgasm but ended just before I reached a climax. I did not sleep and sweat was pouring off of me. I got up and did work as usual, just on no sleep. I completely thought this experience was the loving hand of God for three years.
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However, three years later, I suddenly realized, that what I experienced was not Jesus or God but an enemy sexual spirit. The reason I realized this wasn’t Jesus is because it violated His character. Jesus ABSOLUTELY NEVER will FORCE Himself on anyone. He won’t advance sexual attention without permission OR EVEN with our permission. There was a time after the sexual stuff in the spirit happened that I prayed to the Lord, in a deep time of the spirit and gave Him permission to make sexual advances, because I thought the sexual experience I had had was from Jesus. But He did not do so. Jesus is a tender gentleman. He does not make unwanted or wanted sexual advances. He does not take advantage of His children like that. But there is a spirit that does. The spirit of Jezebel. This spirit is deeply sexual and wants us to think that it is Jesus. But it is a demon. And what I experienced was akin to spiritual and physical rape by a demon, not anything to do with Jesus.
When I realized that this experience was of the enemy, I immediately called my prayer warrior friend I knew in my church and she and two other women prayed over me as part of a deliverance session to rid me of any spiritual forces not of God that had gotten attached to me through open doors. A big open door in my life was unforgiveness. I believe that’s what let these spirits in and gave them a foothold. Other things that can attract enemy spirits are mental, emotional and spiritual wounds brought on by abuse. But many things can cause wounds.
The prayer team prayed off of me a spirit of Jezebel, a spirit of pride, a generational curse and a spirit of religion – I personally believe it was the spirit of Jezebel that raped me. I could feel the spirits leave. As they prayed for each one to leave, I could feel numbness in my whole body everywhere like something had just left and was missing. It was a bizarre feeling. After they were finished, I was really weak and tired. But afterwards, I have been free of psychotic breaks, and nothing attacked me when I sought Jesus deeply. Let me be clear, that I was not possessed but oppressed by the enemy. There is a difference. Only Jesus can truly inhabit His people.
So what does intimacy with Jesus really look like if it is not sexual? I believe I can answer that in part, though I am still learning. I shall share several experiences.
Experience 1: An intimacy of the soul and sharing a look of love with God
After I had my first psychotic break, I lost all self-worth and wallowed in despair and uncertainty for a year. I didn’t know how I could trust my senses or even know for sure Jesus was real. But, I decided that even if I never could hear God’s voice or have the intimacy with Jesus that I wanted, and even if my life with God was flat and boring all my days, I would still worship Jesus as my God, because I know from my studies in religion and Scripture that there is no other God like Him. The day after I made that decision, I was at my small group Bible study. I was telling my friend about my psychotic break and she said, “That is not who you are!
As soon as she said that, my whole body vibrated with electrical energy buzzing over me, and I realized that the electrical feeling was the Holy Spirit trying to get my attention and say LISTEN TO THIS. I rejoiced in feeling His Presence and I asked Jesus later, driving to work the next day, “Lord, if I am not that crazy person that I thought I was, then who am I?”
As I was praying later that morning, I felt what I can only describe as the eyes of God looking at me with love and He was smiling. I could FEEL this feeling strongly in my mind and soul. The look of God was so loving and all-seeing and intimate with knowledge of who I was. I felt like my whole soul was laid bare before Him and He accepted and loved me completely, even though I was messy inside. I didn’t know how to deal with being so seen and known. I felt shy and like I wanted to hide from God’s look of love, but Jesus didn’t let me run away. He gently and relentlessly kept sharing His look of love with me and it melted my heart. I felt totally accepted and loved in a visceral way, but I did not have any sexual feelings.
Experience 2: Physical feelings I had that were not sexual but still communicated love
Later that same day, after I had finished praying and sat down to work, I thought the feeling of God’s loving gaze on me would go away. But it did not. In fact, I felt as if a deluge of tingling energy and warmth and love flowed into my physical body like a HUGE overwhelming hug poured out from heaven. It also felt like warm milk rising in my soul. And I could FEEL love itself, like thick honey smothering me. It was both a physical, mental and emotional sensation that is almost impossible to describe, like a warm blanket being laid upon my soul or a deep hug.
And I sat there, like a withered dry almost dead plant soaking in gobs of water that had just been poured out onto it, drinking it in. I felt so dry and dead and lonely and empty, but this feeling made me feel so absolutely full to bursting with love that I was overflowing. I felt warm. I felt tingly. I felt filled with liquid honey or warm milk. I felt as if God was holding me in the most warm hug imaginable and it was just fantastic.
And. Not one of the feelings I felt was sexual in any way. I did not feel anything in my sexual organs. It was just a love that was deeper than sexuality. Richer. It was whole-person, as it encompassed my mind, soul and spirit, not just my body.
Experience 3: Physical feelings I had that were not sexual but still communicated love
A different year, I was working, and while I worked, out of the blue, God gave me another physical experience of His love. This time, it felt like I was an empty cup and Jesus poured liquid joy into me. Literally, that’s the best description. It’s impossible to describe any other way. My toes began to feel aglow with a warmth and heat, and a joy and PLEASURE far deeper than anything sexual I have experienced seeped into my skin and slowly traveled up my body starting from my toes, up my legs, into my torso and to the tippy top of my head. I felt as if I was sitting inside of a sauna or hot tub soaking in the joy of the Lord. I felt as if His energy was inside my very veins. It was the deepest pleasure I have EVER been fortunate enough to have. I almost felt drunk. Yet I retained full consciousness and all of my faculties and continued to work (because I had to) and no one around me knew that I was experiencing anything.
I felt as if the Scripture that this experience most reminded me of was the one that said in Ephesians 5:18-19, “And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart…”
I felt THOROUGHLY FILLED with what could only be the Spirit of God like I never imagined or thought possible. It was liquid joy and pleasure. And yet, none of the physical sensation was sexual. I felt nothing in my sexual organs that one would equate with sexuality at all. It was not sexual pleasure. It was even richer than that. It was something that permeated my spirit, soul and mind as well as my body. It was deep.
This experience led me to realize that true intimacy with Jesus is so much better than sex. The pleasure is there, just in a different form. It can even include physical pleasure that isn’t sexual. But it also includes whole-person spirit, soul and mind pleasure. It’s a pleasure that is so deep we cannot hold it all. It overflows. It drenches. It is clean and pure and SO MUCH MORE PASSIONATE than sex could ever communicate. It is AGAPE love. AGAPE love is the love of God. It is not a sexual love like EROS. It is not just a FRIEND love like PHILEO. It transcends ALL THE OTHER FORMS OF LOVE. It is higher, richer, deeper than we know. Sex couldn’t possibly contain this kind of love. Saying God’s love is sexual cheapens it. I’m sorry to say that for those thinking that Jesus’s love is sexual. But it’s true. Because AGAPE love is so much richer and deeper than sex and communicates MORE love than sex does, not less. It is even MORE PLEASABLE than sex is, not less. Sexual pleasure in an orgasm lasts not very long. But the kind of Holy Spirit liquid joy I felt was a far deeper pleasure than organismic pleasure and lasted far longer. It lasted all day. There is nothing that I would trade for that experience. I would never want sexual pleasure in place of what I experienced with Jesus that day.
Experience 4: Physical feelings I had that were not sexual but still communicated love
I’ve also experienced warmth and heat on me while I slept, like God’s love was holding me like I was a piece of cheese in a toasted panini. Weird image, but that’s what it felt like. Like He was holding me in a huge hug of a blanket while I slept. I felt warmth in my physical body and a sensation of emotional love. But it was not sexual. I did not feel anything sexual in my physical organs. I’ve experienced this “Spirit heat while sleeping” kind of love several times.
Experience 5: Physical feelings I had that were not sexual but still communicated love
Another physical experience I had more recently communicated a lot of love to me, but again, was not sexual. I prayed and asked the Lord Jesus if He would allow me to feel the Holy Spirit in my hands. I thought He would bring the storm of tingling energy or warmth that I associate with feeling the Holy Spirit physically. But He did something completely different. He told me to listen to worship music, so I did, listening to music by the UPPER ROOM.
While I was listening and worshiping, I laid my hands open on my knees in a posture of receiving. In time, I felt a gentle pressure that grew stronger until it was obvious but in no way painful moving around my left hand. It felt as if Jesus was Himself holding my hand. This was a physical sensation, physical contact, that was loving but not sexual. I felt overwhelming intimacy by getting to hold hands with Jesus. I didn’t need sex. It was safe, pure and wholesome.
Conclusion: In conclusion, I truly believe that intimacy with Jesus is far better than any pleasure from sex. It’s far deeper. It’s far more SEEN and KNOWN. I know I haven’t yet experienced it all or in all of its forms. Because sex is the deepest and most intimate thing people know, they immediately jump there when they think about intimacy with Jesus. And, the enemy, wanting to counterfeit the good, cause confusion, and give people the kind of experience they are expecting, gives people sexual encounters and tricks them into thinking that this sexuality is of Jesus when it is not.
However, if you ever have had sexual encounters with Jesus, and are now realizing they might not have been Jesus, do not despair. The enemy only took advantage of your very real desire for love and wholeness. Jesus has more to offer you than sex. If you will allow Him to sweep away the dust of sexual attention that other spirits want to offer you, you won’t be disappointed. Because He can fill your need with a wholeness, a love and a pleasure that is beyond compare to any sensation that drugs, alcohol or sex could give you. It’s a pleasure and a knowing and a joy and a love that are so deep, they feel as if they might melt my whole personhood into a puddle. But somehow Jesus keeps me from exploding and gives me more of Him than I ever thought I could hold.
Do not despair if you have had sexual encounters with spirits. Share your story. Get the word out. So many people want to know what intimacy with Jesus can be really like and they are searching for the Truth. The Truth is far better than the lie. And if you are open to the Truth, Jesus will shower you with more than you can hold. The lie can only exist in the darkness, in ignorance and in confusion. That’s why I share my story, so that light will be shed in a very intimate, personal and confusing area of life – that of sexuality – that people don’t talk about. Allow Jesus in and let Him love you in a non-sexual way, a better way, and make you whole.
We are all different. Therefore, your story of what the Lord’s love looks like may be slightly different. Jesus KNOWS us each as people and how we best receive love. Therefore, He will give you the kind of experience that reaches your deepest need and how you most deeply can receive it. And it’s not sex. Don’t confuse lust with Jesus. There’s no comparison, and His love is better.
