FAQs

Here are some examples I’ve received of the intimacy question:

The only thing I’m struggling with is that it is not sexual but spiritual … but my mind due to my past has been extremely tainted, and even for me to think of intimacy it takes a conscious effort for me to not look into it physically …

Another woman I know put it this way:

I struggle with the sex issue too. Does intimacy = sex? … How many of us have husbands we can be truly intimate (non-sexual) with. So, most of us don’t know what intimacy is or how to be intimate.

And one wrote this:

I asked you about the nature of your relationship with Jesus, whether it is sensual etc. I guess in my head I can’t tell the difference between sensual and romantic. … so I think I consider romance to be sensual. Or then I just don’t know the real definition of “sensual”?

I can understand how this can get confusing, since 1) we use marriage terminology in referring to our relationship with Jesus, 2) many of us haven’t experienced a healthy marriage, and 3) sometimes, for various reasons, we have a deep-seated need for physical love. Jesus can feel like a safe man to give it, especially if we’ve suffered at the hands of human men, or lacked a healthy relationship with one.

Sex is only a small part of a physical marriage. We won’t have our physical bodies in heaven. They are merely a temporary container holding our soul and spirit, and at death they will become dust. Yes, we should take care of them and respect them. We should keep them healthy and pure in order to live out our lives on earth in the best way possible. While our physical body is all we can see in the mirror, Jesus is looking directly at who we really are (soul and spirit), and what our heart is for him.

Therefore, the intimacy image God uses is a metaphor, a picture or representation of the Biblical “two-become-one.” For a human in a physical body, sex was created to be the most intimate a couple could be in their physical bodies, being merely a part of the whole—body, soul, and spirit—of intimacy. Therefore, sex isn’t needed in a spiritual marriage. Jesus does not need our physical bodies to be intimate with us, he goes straight to our hearts, souls, and spirits.

I have been asked, referring to my bedchamber story in my book The Wild Romancer, what part the bed played in the bedchamber. It symbolizes the spiritual intimacy we are to have with Jesus. It also represents a place of intimacy as opposed to public places. The bedchamber is about a man and woman in marriage, heart and spirits as one.

Again, here’s where we each have to draw the line in how far this metaphor goes without sexually getting us in trouble. For some of us this line is close, for others it is further away. I just guard against getting in a place where my physical body gets involved. If I feel like I’m getting close then I change what I’m doing, so I can emotionally pull away from them.

In my vision of the bedchamber the bed merely pointed out how I was in a place of intimacy with Jesus, “intimacy” meaning that we could get to know each other emotionally and spiritually. I have a friend who has also been in Jesus’ bedchamber. There was a huge four-poster bed but all she did was walk around the room looking at things and eat off a little table with food and fruit.

A young woman who wrote me expressed it this way:

You know… the nakedness of the husband and wife…I feel like are symbolic of trust and love and being real, raw and showing each other their true selves, loving each other completely for who we are and will become. And so for me as far as Jesus and I are concerned, it stems from that. For me, it isn’t sexual. To someone else it might offend or gross them out but for me, I love it because I know the heart behind it.

Jesus is so sweet and good, he’s strong and noble and kind. We laugh a lot and he will tease and push my boundaries, letting me know that he’s not satisfied with how much he has of me, and he wants more. However, he’s not after my physical body, he’s already way deeper than that, he is within my heart. He is so loving and so much fun and so overwhelming that I want to become more and more who he wants me to be.

Here’s another good example of the physical representing the spiritual and it not being sexual. I know someone who had an experience in Jesus’ bedchamber, where they were on the bed together (in the Spirit). My friend had on layers and layers of petticoats and Jesus was tugging on them, teasing her to take them off. While that sounds sexual, she didn’t feel it that way. Instead, it spiritually represented how Jesus was saying to her that he wanted to see her for who she was, without her masks. It’s as if he was saying “Drop everything that hides your vulnerability and let me see the REAL you. Just be you with me, not who you think I want to see.” Most physical things are metaphors or representations of the spiritual.

I love how Helene G. Brenner, in her book, I Know I’m in There Somewhere, expresses this need for intimacy.

Most women desire intimate contact, and it’s not essentially about sex. It’s about getting past the barriers to where two people are not hidden from one another. It’s about knowing someone and being known in a way that takes the edge off the aloneness of life. And it’s intensely satisfying. There is so little opportunity for such intimate contact in our culture, so little space to be safe and undefended. Is it any wonder we want to find that tender place in an often lonely and callous world?

Here’s another good example from a woman who shared this dream about Jesus.

The thing that I remember most about this dream was how totally comforting it was to be held by this man, to snuggle up in his arms and let him hold me. And how totally accepting of me he was, and unconcerned – about my mistakes or lack of attention to detail, and walking through the puddle, etc. When I woke up I couldn’t figure out why I’d have a dream about “another” man and asked God who it was and what came to my mind was that it was Jesus. I’d been feeling so distant from him that I had told him I wanted another special time with him last time I prayed. This was more special than I could have imagined. … Also, even though we were arm in arm and it felt so natural and comfortable and comforting at the same time, it was not sexual. It was very intimate, but not sexual.

And another example from a woman:

You won’t believe what happened one day,” she said. “Jesus came and we walked through a beautiful garden and you won’t believe what he told me. He said we were already married! And then you won’t believe what happened. We consummated our marriage! But it wasn’t about sex, not at all. It wasn’t like that. He came inside of me until he totally filled me up, until we were both totally each other. It was so awesome, so beautiful. It wasn’t about sex.

The thing about physical words representing the spiritual is like God giving you a dream where you are pregnant, which means that He is about to birth something in you, like a ministry. As my niece Jenn says, “We talk about God birthing things in our lives but we’re not imagining details of labor and delivery.” It’s also like saying, “I’m covered by the blood of Jesus, forgiven, and redeemed.” I don’t imagine myself covered in blood every time I say that.

The physical union is what we were given as humans to get as close to another as possible. It merely represents the ultimate, spiritual union. It is a picture of it, a representation of intimacy, not just a bigger and better sexual experience. We are married to Jesus, and the Bible gives us the wedding vows in Hosea 2:18-20.

We don’t need sexual aspects of intimacy with Jesus, married sex only represents the awesome, wonderful intimacy we can have spiritually, until we get to heaven and can experience whatever God has in store for us.

In order to answer this question as honestly as possible, I reached out and asked some women about their experiences. Because the nature of this question is such a sensitive and personal subject we will keep their answers anonymous. However, I owe them my deepest gratitude as they were willing to be vulnerable and honest in sharing. (Look at Example 1, 2, and 3 in the list of questions.)

You will see how, in the examples, we all bring our own experiences to our love for Jesus. While our relationships will look different, they all have the commonality of a spiritual love. We want to be pure and clean in our passion and love for our Bridegroom. We each bring into the relationship our personalities and backgrounds, walking it out in our own way.

For instance, in the first example you will see that she is adamant about not using her imagination in her relationship with Jesus, whereas all my books are full of me using my imagination. Neither of us are wrong, and she explains why she doesn’t. We are each unique in our love for our Bridegroom.

There is a huge difference between romance and the sensual/sexual. Again, while in a healthy marriage, sex is involved with romance, romance is so much more than that. In true love sex is a part of the love story while romance IS the love story. Sex is two physical bodies becoming one. Marriage is getting to know who that person is—their heart, their dreams, personality, and what makes them unique.

Romance is the emotional side—warm-fuzzies, butterflies-in-your-stomach, feeling special, being treated with respect, and wooing and pursuing the other. It is each one making the other feel special and loved. It’s doing things together just because we enjoy being with each other, that “specialness” that makes us a couple. Typically it’s the woman who wants and needs to be romanced by the man who loves her, which is why, while women love the romancing of Jesus, men may find it uncomfortable until Holy Spirit awakens their heart to this relationship and that it isn’t sexual. While men find it easy to be romantic while dating, they often stop bothering after marriage, leaving a woman emotionally craving that intimacy and tenderness. A woman’s heart must be romanced, not her body.

For me it’s an emotional closeness and intimacy, of sharing every part of who I am, of having no secrets. I have secrets from my siblings and even my best friends, but I could share my secrets with my husband because I trusted him not to use them against me or judge me.

With Jesus I’m not thinking or feeling anything sexual, it’s just an emotional closeness and knowing. Even when we just walk on the beach and don’t talk it is intimate. I feel emotionally close.

Recently Jesus and I were hanging out on the futon and I told him I was tired and I was going to lay with my head in his lap. I said, “So I’m going to put the pillow under my head and pretend it’s your lap. Mmmmm, nice lap, but you have skinny legs.” Then I burst out laughing. It’s very hard to be serious with him. Often I just sit on the futon in the dark with him and neither one of us say anything, again it’s just that closeness. I love the peacefulness and rest as I sit by him in silence.

To know someone in a relationship you must create a history together, to share memories. The more you spend time with Jesus learning about each other, the closer you will become.

I was thinking about that recently when I thought of the perfect verse that consummates our marriage to Jesus, heart to heart. Remain in me, and I will remain in you…Now remain in my love. (John 15:4,9)

Yes! Men can fall in love with Jesus and love him passionately, without it feeling homosexual.

However, I believe that for a man this type of a relationship does not look like the relationship it does for a woman. Yes, the depth, intimacy, and love is the same, but God created men and women differently. Yes we are equal, but being different doesn’t make us unequal. For example, IN GENERAL, the way a woman desires love is more through romance, emotional love, and to be pursued by their heroic prince. And in general (please don’t email me all about the exceptions, lol, I’m just trying to make a point), men are more interested in being the pursuer than the pursued. There are numerous ways men show love and respond to love differently than women, and my only point with even touching on this sensitive subject is just to point that out.

Both men and women can be passionately in love with Jesus, however, it will probably look differently. Without any sexual aspect to it there is no feeling of homosexuality in the relationship, because homosexuality is about physical sex. With men it’s more of friends “closer than a brother.” Men will have the marriage two-become-one relationship of knowing each other closer than anyone else, of sharing hearts and minds in a way no other relationship than a marriage can share.

Jesus goes straight to your heart, there is no physical entering-in needed. Because of that we’re talking of a love that transcends all physical. A love that creates an intimacy with men that causes them to be able to worship using marriage terminology while understanding it as a metaphor. In my answer to a different question I mention something I wrote to Jesus, saying in it, “Your arms are strong and powerful while Your kisses fall delightfully sweet…” Whether it is from me, a woman, or from a man, neither of us are imagining sex. It’s a poetic response to love, not a physical one.

However, I would suspect that men don’t usually approach Jesus from this marriage language unless it’s in worship. Men want an intimate, love relationship with Jesus that transcends any other relationship, but the intimacy and language will probably look different. They’ll come from a different perspective.

I have had so many questions about how a man loves Jesus as his Bridegroom that I’ve decided to include what my husband Terry wrote for my first book, The Wild Romancer. It is both about having a wife who is in love with Jesus and what his own love for Jesus looks like.

For a man to truly love Jesus as his bridegroom in a healthy, God ordained way, there is no sexual aspect of it, it is heart to heart. What makes it different than a brother relationship is that it includes what you get out of a marriage relationship with Jesus—the knowing each other and becoming one, plus learning to walk in the spiritual realm as a spiritual being, not as a physical being.

I tell more about this in my blog “How Does A Man Love Jesus as His Bridegroom?”

A man can use his imagination and do things with Jesus and practice his spiritual senses and do everything I talk about. A man belongs in the spiritual realm growing closer to Jesus. The only thing that makes my writing geared more for women is that I have included the romance that we desire, and the emotional intimacy women crave so desperately. However, there is nothing that excludes a man being that close to Jesus, because without sex a man can pursue Jesus as passionately and deeply as he desires, and it is within the marriage intimacy. Like in a physical marriage, his needs and desires look differently than a woman’s.

(Excerpt from The Wild Romancer © 2008
by Brenda Cobb Murphy

What do you do with a wife that is madly in love with Jesus? What do you do once He has captured her heart, locked His gaze with hers, and danced with your bride? You have two choices. You can join her and the life she has chosen with Jesus, and your life will change forever. Or you can choose to not be a part of it. If you do not join her you will be miserable. Either way you will be ruined. To join with her is to be ruined for the ordinary, and to refuse is to be ruined as an equal mate for your wife. The one option you will not have is to ignore it and hope it goes away. The experiences, revelations, and truths in this book have transformed both of us. Within a two-week period we each entered into this new relationship with Jesus. Some of you, after reading this book, are thinking that our lives must be “special” or different. You are wrong.

Life in the Murphy house is pretty much the same as in your house. We have one son now living on his own and two teenagers, one of which has just gotten a driver’s license. Living with a dog, a parakeet, and fish means that, like everyone else, the dog throws up, the scum builds up in the aquarium, and there are seed husks and feathers everywhere. We have bills to pay and problems to solve. I work full time 75 miles from our house, and we have a ministry together. Did falling in love with Jesus deliver us from the mundane? No, it simply put the mundane into perspective. Are we all healthy, wealthy, and wise? No, we get sick, break bones, and try to figure out how to pay for the things we need and want. We still do incredibly stupid stuff, mess up with God, and have to repent. Brenda’s book is the result of life, everyday life, but with the intimate presence of Jesus.

So how does a man relate to this book? How does a man also fall madly in love with Jesus? For me, it was the desperation of failure that finally allowed me to begin my love affair with Him. Christianity failed me. Where is the victory? Where is the power? Where is the difference between my unbelieving next-door neighbors and me? I reached the point of just chucking it all. We were both brought up in Christian homes, had worked in ministry together, and been active in our church, but my inability to “do the stuff” of the New Testament overwhelmed me. I was not able to effect change in any situation I encountered. I am talking about supernatural God-change. Then Jesus stepped into my life in a completely new role.

That is the only way I can explain it. His role in my life changed. We began to share personal things. He went from being my God to also being my Friend. And He didn’t stop there. He wanted us to become more intimate than friends. More familiar with each other than the best of friends are. More open, honest, and trusting than even some spouses. Yet, Jesus is a man’s man. He is a warrior, manager, counselor, trainer, and public speaker, all with the endurance of a trained athlete. I strongly suspect that you would not beat Him at a round of golf. If you think that last statement was inappropriate, then you do not know my Jesus.

How can I be madly in love with Him? Because He is real and down-to-earth. He is not a passive, hands folded, serene looking, lacking-in-personality God. He is dynamic, involved, decisive, and current. And He hates to lose.

For a man to be completely in love with Jesus in a very personal and real way, he is required to step out of the worldly environment and culture. He must be able to imagine dancing with Jesus without going into a homophobic panic. This can only be done with the help of Holy Spirit. Mike Bickle says in his book The Pleasures of Loving God, “Many men think that understanding the bride of Christ undermines their masculinity, but just the opposite is true. In fact, the revelation of the bride will establish it. To be a man who lays His head on the Lord’s breast and receives His embrace will set your heart ablaze.”

Brenda talks about using your imagination and letting Him fill it with His reality. That is how I enter into intimacy with Jesus. Most of the time it is still in the context of a “guy thing.” But sometimes I imagine dancing with Him and sometimes I am overwhelmed with love for Him. Holy Spirit stands ready to jump in once you turn the key and begin to crank the engine.

Holy Spirit also releases you from your hang-ups, not all at once, but gradually, as you keep trying and practicing. He, in essence, helps you lower your handicap. (Appropriate golf analogy and interesting word, don’t you think?) The one thing I cannot figure out is being part of the Bride. But, technically, that is His part. My part is simply to get to know Him better and better. In getting to know Him better and in getting to know people who know Him better, I have discovered one advantage men might have over women. We men generally do not go through an infatuation stage.

There are people, okay, mostly women, who have a “teenage” type of love for Jesus. They have been set free from the restrictions of “religious relationship activities” and have fallen madly in love with Him. But some seem to get stuck in the infatuation stage and never move on to the mature love that enables couples to get through both the good times and the bad times together. I am extremely blessed. I not only have a wife who is madly in love with Jesus, but Brenda’s love is a mature love, tested and proven. She is able to have her head in the heavenlies, her feet on the ground, and her heart in His hand.

So what does it look like in our house? It looks like your house-chaos, dirty dishes and laundry, meals to be cooked, grass to be mowed, a new toilet seat to be installed, and so on. What is the difference? We will not have to be introduced to Jesus when we finally reach home. We will recognize Him by His appearance, His voice, His scent, and His very thoughts towards us. We will know Him. And in this life we must continue to seek to know Him and the power of His resurrection. What choice do we have? He alone has the words of Life. What tender, loving words they are. My favorite ones? “Terry, let’s go play!”

So, my relationship with Jesus. I am always happy to share how wonderful He is. Not this deeply… that I will now share. I do hope that at least some of it makes sense to you, words fail as adequate descriptors when the deep things of the Spirit are in play.

I’m aware that many people see God through various lenses, and also relate more strongly to one relationship than they do another. Eg, many relate primarily to God as Father, or as friend, or as brother, King etc.

For me, lets look at 2 ways of relating. I tend not to have a revelation so much as Him as brother, nor as friend (although I know that He IS).

Father… I am learning to relate to, I have only had a few glimpses of Father.
But each of the three times have been intense and revelatory, and I really do want to know Him as Father, more.

I do come to Father when I go into my secret place and close the door to pray, as that is what we are instructed to do in the Word, because its He who awaits us there. And I sense His nearness, as Father, when I bow in prayer.

Jesus as Saviour, yes of course. Jesus dying, rescuing, ever leading as shepherd, protector ad shield.

However, by far the overwhelming revelation that I see throughout the Word, and also in my daily experience, is as Bridegroom King.

I think that because relating to Him as a brother, or as a friend, is so far away in my understanding from Bridegroom intimacy, that’s why I tend not to see Jesus as those …. As in … I would not have this level of intimacy with a friend in the natural, nor with a brother.

I place no barriers between how He as my Bridegroom wants to fill me/approach/reveal himself to me.

I don’t at all use my active imagination to encounter Him.

I don’t imagine settings, not His face, nor a place …. In fact, my relationship with Him is totally led by Him.

If he leads, then several things come out of this;

I keep myself out of danger zones, it prevents any flesh, or any thoughts of my own devising, from taking the lead. I let Him lead where and when He wants to go and do. As His bride, I let Him lead every dance, make every approach.

Not engaging my imagination means that each picture I see in prayer, or vision, I know is then initiated by Him. I think of the Holy Spirit as the Eunuch who ushers Esther into the courts of the King, and that once queen, Esther’s invitation to move the kings heart towards her, consisted of her dressing in her royal robes, placing herself in a position for him to invite her to approach … and he raises His royal sceptre. As a husband with a burning desire to encounter me as His Bride, He will approach with love, He runs to me, He cannot resist me, not my longings to have Him.

However this from my side looks like absolute surrender, expressing a yearning heart for intimacy with Him, and prayer. It looks like Word, and worship, continual prayer, as in, natural outflow of dialogue and conversation. Most often it’s me talking to Him… yet, peace is His voice, a sense of His nearness is His voice, His touch is his language of love… etc.
I try to steward the faintest gift of His tangible presence as well as rhemas from the Word. as His voice.

So getting to the nuts and bolts… how far do I go intimately with Him?
I have no barriers at all. The protection that I have is in not initiating my imagination to encounter or experience Him.

When He approaches in love and wooing, I can safely abandon and know that He will never under any circumstance, ‘breach‘ into the area of the physical sexual arena.

Its actually more intense, because in the physical realm of two human people, husband and wife, the man is attempting to get as close to the woman as he can, and it brings pleasure to both. The one of the entering, the other of being entered— to make one.

The deeper thing that happens (between a physical man and woman) we are not often aware of until afterwards, when we sense a deeper closeness with our human spouse, that we then have a deepened bonding during the process.

For someone that has struggled for many decades with fantasy lust… this is such a beautiful place for me to finally be. Not that it was an issue in my relationship with Jesus, but if I engaged my own imagination, I am more likely to be vulnerable, and I don’t ever want to go back there

Jesus never does go there. He would never and he has no need to breach that physical arena with a bride. He already lives in the deepest recesses of the human temple—our hearts. He is already deeply inside, we are His dwelling place, so sexual expression of desire isn’t at all needed, nor is it what He is looking for.

An example is in the impregnation of Mary. The Holy Spirit overshadowed Mary (a euphemism for intimacy). The Father was placing His seed, His very Son into a human womb. He did not use sexual parts, it was entirely Holy, a direct access to the deepest intimate parts of Mary, yet, Mary was referred to as a VIRGIN bearing a son.

So, no sexual parts required. Yet we are not satisfied with superficial union so God found a way. This involves trust on our part, that we are in the hands of a Holy Bridegroom.

Having said that, our human bodies are wired in such a way that ALL of our body can respond to His presence and touch, and also be affected by our love longing for Him. This can occasionally include our sexual arousal, and when God is involved, aroused through love (and not lust) and there are, as you say Brenda, people who experience this more often/noticeably.
Depends on yes, past experiences and other factors.

For me, I am on 4 types of hormone replacement, which has a side effect that I can be easily aroused, and easily bond with people. So I have my own layer of circumstances. I am very careful to stay close to Him and allow myself to be enamoured and ravaged by His love alone.

I channel my desires and longing into an outpouring from my heart, towards Him, as an offering. Word says to present our bodies as a living sacrifice to Him. This is where I find this helps me. Most times, worship and surrender will rechannel all emotions and longings rightly and serve to intensify my love for Him.

Its like any arousal can be redirected to a lovesick hunger and longing, that is then rechannelled out through my opened heart toward Him and becomes adoration and worship. He is faithful.

I will always bow before Him as King, as Lord, in awe, before I relate to Him as Bridegroom. If I have to choose I will stand before my King, in awe. Obey when He speaks, do whatever He says, primarily in His Word.

If I need to ‘start again’, if I’m losing adoration for Him, or becoming cold, or feel that I’m drifting, gone a tad off centre, I come to Him again as Lord, King, and surrender in awe.

The more deeply that I am in love with Him, and express it freely to Him, the more likely that my desires for Him will find expression through love connection, heart to heart.

So, to live in purity, chastity, but freely giving exclusively to one lover, our Bridegroom.

When there are times that my body has gone too far, then the safest and most beautiful place to experience climax is in His presence. He understands, and I experience an overshadowing, as he accepts this, even this offering, and it is pure and holy.

It’s an offering to Him. Its while deeply worshipping. He is simply present.
It is so deep and worshipful that I pray/worship and tell him that I am deeply in love with Him. I do not take my eyes off Him.

I affirm that there is no other that I would allow into this sacred moment. The bonding that I experience in trusting Him in this is in a very deep way, or can I say that I am aware that there is no lust, fantasy or wrong desire. I am seeking Him in my inmost being, and offering this, even my pleasure, to Him. This also helps me avoid any thought or temptation when I am out and around other people.

I would not advise this though, to others as a method of encountering Him as Bridegroom. This happened to me starting only several years ago,
I was given permission by Him, should this happen to me. He offered me a way of escape … as an offering of worship. But very seldom does it happen, so I would not advise, especially young or vulnerable or sexually abused Christians, to do.

Before then, I could not, it didn’t occur to me. The timing of it for me when it first happened was a confirmation. And He stays with me, as in, sense of His presence

Previously … as in many years ago, if I mentally strayed somewhere I shouldn’t, into even any fleeting fantasy with someone else (not Him), I would quickly feel his withdrawing the sense of His presence. It would usually last 24 – 76 hrs. very painful in my heart. I would quickly repent, and wait and long for Him to come close to let me sense Him again.
This is very different, I don’t understand how it works, except that He is my Bridegroom, I am alone His, and He is mine alone.

So for all intents and purposes, our Bridegroom doesn’t interact at all, even if someone should offer a genital pathway, with His bride in this sexual way, He will never take it, doesn’t need it. He is able to give more to us through direct infusion and access to His and our hearts, meshing as one.

I think of when Mary Magdelene met Jesus at the tomb after His resurrection. He said ‘do not cling to Me“, and also 2 Cor 5:16 where we know Him not after the flesh.

There was a time many years ago now, in the 1990’s, when I was so filled and overwhelmed with a tangible presence of God. His touch within me … It was so intense, that I was unable to have any useful marital relations with my husband. I was unable to feel anything at all physically, while this intensity was overtaking all of me.

Sex, compared to what my whole being was experiencing, was so insignificant, so “not“ on my radar, that I was unable to. Comparing a stale crust to a rich banquet. There was no comparison.

This intense, inebriated state lasted over 3 months, nonstop. I was inebriated with Him night and day. I barely slept, barely could eat, and the intense internal fire of Holy romance overtook everyday activities.
He can, as Bridegroom, step into every part of our body, no sex required at all.

In humans, sex is simply a pathway to union. In Divine romance with our Bridegroom, it’s more like Hebrews 4:12, He has direct access to our deep heart, will, spirit and emotions. We are already in union with Him when His Holy Spirit took up residence. He, as our lover, has the ability to “dial up “ the intensity of our encounter and experience.

He does it like this. In Song of Songs chapter 5 the bride becomes lukewarm, doesn’t respond to her lover trying to reach her. He reaches TROUGH the door (speaks of access to our heart), that His act or reaching, CAUSES her heart to respond by pounding for Him… her heart jumped, was thrilled by Him. (v 4)

Be willing to be His obedient servant, because as loving brides we are to submit to, honour and obey our heavenly husbands. This is how we are to love Him—bow before Him as God and as King. If we love Him, obey quickly. Stand and tremble in awe, before we expect to grow in the Bridegroom realm.

Let each encounter be with respect and awe. Wait to be invited and escorted into the bridal chamber of intimacy … don’t jump into bed with presumption. As I said before, value and treasure each time He touches or meets with us.
Remember that each encounter is a Holy gift, I won’t be presumptuous … it keeps respect and honour intact.

And we are all different. The most important thing for all of us, as His people, and His Bride, practically speaking, is to grow in knowledge and closeness with Him. That we grow to know His very emotions, His thoughts, desires and longings, and to minister to Him, our Bridegroom.

Pour yourself at His feet, while knowing that at the very same time He responds by kissing our cheeks.

And always, to pray, read the Bible to find Him in the Word, and to constantly incline our heart in giving Him our attention and surrendered adoration, throughout the day.

And when I lay my heart on the alter as a sacrifice of love, He sends a burning fire of passion to my offering, and leaves me with a passionate heart of fiery first Love for Him. The God who answers by Fire. He is God.

Sexuality and Intimacy with Jesus

Preface: There is a pervading misconception that intimacy with Jesus must be sexual. I mean, how could we experience intimacy in any other way? What does intimacy with Jesus look like if it isn’t sexual? Because my love language is physical touch, I was led astray into thinking that sexuality and Jesus could be mixed. But truthfully, the agape love of God transcends eros or sexual love. It’s richer, fuller, bigger, more passionate, more constant, longer-lasting and beside it eros looks like a mere shadow in comparison. Eros can often turn into lust, a desire for sexual pleasure from someone else. But in agape love, there is no selfishness. It’s completely consumed with the one loved.

Each person’s story of Jesus’ love will look slightly differently because we each are different people and each receive love in different ways. As I mentioned, my love language is physical touch. And I can honestly say, that even with touch as my primary love language, I have been able to experience Jesus’ love in authentic relationship and found it to be deeper and more passionate than I could ever have guessed. And it’s not sexual. It’s better. It completely satisfies me in a way that not even sexuality can.

Drugs, sex and alcohol are the big three that the enemy tries to distract us with away from the love of God which is the substance for which we are actually longing. Jesus is the soul of true intimacy. He made us to be intimate with Him. This is something for both women and men. And please readers, know that Jesus meets us where we are at. He is a gentleman. He loves and accepts us as we are. He is unbelievably gentle and tender with us. If you have had sexual experiences with Jesus, or are worried about having them, or if you just long for the authentic love He promises, read on.

The Ugly: This is my story, the good, the bad, the ugly. I will share the ugly side first, and then the good, to answer the question, if a relationship with Jesus isn’t sexual, then how can it be intimate?

I had an experience of strong spiritual warfare, which happened to result in three psychotic breaks. The spiritual warfare would start up whenever I was seeking Jesus on a deep level and trying to hear His voice. Just before one of those breaks, I experienced sexuality with – what I thought was Jesus at the time, but then later realized it was not. Let me explain.

Note, the following paragraph includes graphic sexual details and I write this as a trigger warning for those who are not wanting to read something like that.

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In this experience, I was lying in my bed at night, and I was deep in a spiritual state of listening to the spiritual world. I felt what seemed like wispy, ethereal fingers and hands reaching into my vagina and moving around in a stimulating way. This continued all night until I was very aroused. The voice I was hearing told me not to move or do anything, just allow it to happen, so I did, thinking that this experience was knowing Jesus in a sexual way, because I was part of the bride of Christ, and that Satan was on the outside looking in very jealous and angry. The wispy fingers continued touching until I was almost at the point of an orgasm but ended just before I reached a climax. I did not sleep and sweat was pouring off of me. I got up and did work as usual, just on no sleep. I completely thought this experience was the loving hand of God for three years.

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However, three years later, I suddenly realized, that what I experienced was not Jesus or God but an enemy sexual spirit. The reason I realized this wasn’t Jesus is because it violated His character. Jesus ABSOLUTELY NEVER will FORCE Himself on anyone. He won’t advance sexual attention without permission OR EVEN with our permission. There was a time after the sexual stuff in the spirit happened that I prayed to the Lord, in a deep time of the spirit and gave Him permission to make sexual advances, because I thought the sexual experience I had had was from Jesus. But He did not do so. Jesus is a tender gentleman. He does not make unwanted or wanted sexual advances. He does not take advantage of His children like that. But there is a spirit that does. The spirit of Jezebel. This spirit is deeply sexual and wants us to think that it is Jesus. But it is a demon. And what I experienced was akin to spiritual and physical rape by a demon, not anything to do with Jesus.

When I realized that this experience was of the enemy, I immediately called my prayer warrior friend I knew in my church and she and two other women prayed over me as part of a deliverance session to rid me of any spiritual forces not of God that had gotten attached to me through open doors. A big open door in my life was unforgiveness. I believe that’s what let these spirits in and gave them a foothold. Other things that can attract enemy spirits are mental, emotional and spiritual wounds brought on by abuse. But many things can cause wounds.

The prayer team prayed off of me a spirit of Jezebel, a spirit of pride, a generational curse and a spirit of religion – I personally believe it was the spirit of Jezebel that raped me. I could feel the spirits leave. As they prayed for each one to leave, I could feel numbness in my whole body everywhere like something had just left and was missing. It was a bizarre feeling. After they were finished, I was really weak and tired. But afterwards, I have been free of psychotic breaks, and nothing attacked me when I sought Jesus deeply. Let me be clear, that I was not possessed but oppressed by the enemy. There is a difference. Only Jesus can truly inhabit His people.

So what does intimacy with Jesus really look like if it is not sexual? I believe I can answer that in part, though I am still learning. I shall share several experiences.

Experience 1: An intimacy of the soul and sharing a look of love with God

After I had my first psychotic break, I lost all self-worth and wallowed in despair and uncertainty for a year. I didn’t know how I could trust my senses or even know for sure Jesus was real. But, I decided that even if I never could hear God’s voice or have the intimacy with Jesus that I wanted, and even if my life with God was flat and boring all my days, I would still worship Jesus as my God, because I know from my studies in religion and Scripture that there is no other God like Him. The day after I made that decision, I was at my small group Bible study. I was telling my friend about my psychotic break and she said, “That is not who you are!

As soon as she said that, my whole body vibrated with electrical energy buzzing over me, and I realized that the electrical feeling was the Holy Spirit trying to get my attention and say LISTEN TO THIS. I rejoiced in feeling His Presence and I asked Jesus later, driving to work the next day, “Lord, if I am not that crazy person that I thought I was, then who am I?”

As I was praying later that morning, I felt what I can only describe as the eyes of God looking at me with love and He was smiling. I could FEEL this feeling strongly in my mind and soul. The look of God was so loving and all-seeing and intimate with knowledge of who I was. I felt like my whole soul was laid bare before Him and He accepted and loved me completely, even though I was messy inside. I didn’t know how to deal with being so seen and known. I felt shy and like I wanted to hide from God’s look of love, but Jesus didn’t let me run away. He gently and relentlessly kept sharing His look of love with me and it melted my heart. I felt totally accepted and loved in a visceral way, but I did not have any sexual feelings.

Experience 2: Physical feelings I had that were not sexual but still communicated love

Later that same day, after I had finished praying and sat down to work, I thought the feeling of God’s loving gaze on me would go away. But it did not. In fact, I felt as if a deluge of tingling energy and warmth and love flowed into my physical body like a HUGE overwhelming hug poured out from heaven. It also felt like warm milk rising in my soul. And I could FEEL love itself, like thick honey smothering me. It was both a physical, mental and emotional sensation that is almost impossible to describe, like a warm blanket being laid upon my soul or a deep hug.

And I sat there, like a withered dry almost dead plant soaking in gobs of water that had just been poured out onto it, drinking it in. I felt so dry and dead and lonely and empty, but this feeling made me feel so absolutely full to bursting with love that I was overflowing. I felt warm. I felt tingly. I felt filled with liquid honey or warm milk. I felt as if God was holding me in the most warm hug imaginable and it was just fantastic.

And. Not one of the feelings I felt was sexual in any way. I did not feel anything in my sexual organs. It was just a love that was deeper than sexuality. Richer. It was whole-person, as it encompassed my mind, soul and spirit, not just my body.

Experience 3: Physical feelings I had that were not sexual but still communicated love

A different year, I was working, and while I worked, out of the blue, God gave me another physical experience of His love. This time, it felt like I was an empty cup and Jesus poured liquid joy into me. Literally, that’s the best description. It’s impossible to describe any other way. My toes began to feel aglow with a warmth and heat, and a joy and PLEASURE far deeper than anything sexual I have experienced seeped into my skin and slowly traveled up my body starting from my toes, up my legs, into my torso and to the tippy top of my head. I felt as if I was sitting inside of a sauna or hot tub soaking in the joy of the Lord. I felt as if His energy was inside my very veins. It was the deepest pleasure I have EVER been fortunate enough to have. I almost felt drunk. Yet I retained full consciousness and all of my faculties and continued to work (because I had to) and no one around me knew that I was experiencing anything.

I felt as if the Scripture that this experience most reminded me of was the one that said in Ephesians 5:18-19, “And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19 addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart…”

I felt THOROUGHLY FILLED with what could only be the Spirit of God like I never imagined or thought possible. It was liquid joy and pleasure. And yet, none of the physical sensation was sexual. I felt nothing in my sexual organs that one would equate with sexuality at all. It was not sexual pleasure. It was even richer than that. It was something that permeated my spirit, soul and mind as well as my body. It was deep.

This experience led me to realize that true intimacy with Jesus is so much better than sex. The pleasure is there, just in a different form. It can even include physical pleasure that isn’t sexual. But it also includes whole-person spirit, soul and mind pleasure. It’s a pleasure that is so deep we cannot hold it all. It overflows. It drenches. It is clean and pure and SO MUCH MORE PASSIONATE than sex could ever communicate. It is AGAPE love. AGAPE love is the love of God. It is not a sexual love like EROS. It is not just a FRIEND love like PHILEO. It transcends ALL THE OTHER FORMS OF LOVE. It is higher, richer, deeper than we know. Sex couldn’t possibly contain this kind of love. Saying God’s love is sexual cheapens it. I’m sorry to say that for those thinking that Jesus’s love is sexual. But it’s true. Because AGAPE love is so much richer and deeper than sex and communicates MORE love than sex does, not less. It is even MORE PLEASABLE than sex is, not less. Sexual pleasure in an orgasm lasts not very long. But the kind of Holy Spirit liquid joy I felt was a far deeper pleasure than organismic pleasure and lasted far longer. It lasted all day. There is nothing that I would trade for that experience. I would never want sexual pleasure in place of what I experienced with Jesus that day.

Experience 4: Physical feelings I had that were not sexual but still communicated love

I’ve also experienced warmth and heat on me while I slept, like God’s love was holding me like I was a piece of cheese in a toasted panini. Weird image, but that’s what it felt like. Like He was holding me in a huge hug of a blanket while I slept. I felt warmth in my physical body and a sensation of emotional love. But it was not sexual. I did not feel anything sexual in my physical organs. I’ve experienced this “Spirit heat while sleeping” kind of love several times.

Experience 5: Physical feelings I had that were not sexual but still communicated love

Another physical experience I had more recently communicated a lot of love to me, but again, was not sexual. I prayed and asked the Lord Jesus if He would allow me to feel the Holy Spirit in my hands. I thought He would bring the storm of tingling energy or warmth that I associate with feeling the Holy Spirit physically. But He did something completely different. He told me to listen to worship music, so I did, listening to music by the UPPER ROOM.

While I was listening and worshiping, I laid my hands open on my knees in a posture of receiving. In time, I felt a gentle pressure that grew stronger until it was obvious but in no way painful moving around my left hand. It felt as if Jesus was Himself holding my hand. This was a physical sensation, physical contact, that was loving but not sexual. I felt overwhelming intimacy by getting to hold hands with Jesus. I didn’t need sex. It was safe, pure and wholesome.

Conclusion: In conclusion, I truly believe that intimacy with Jesus is far better than any pleasure from sex. It’s far deeper. It’s far more SEEN and KNOWN. I know I haven’t yet experienced it all or in all of its forms. Because sex is the deepest and most intimate thing people know, they immediately jump there when they think about intimacy with Jesus. And, the enemy, wanting to counterfeit the good, cause confusion, and give people the kind of experience they are expecting, gives people sexual encounters and tricks them into thinking that this sexuality is of Jesus when it is not.

However, if you ever have had sexual encounters with Jesus, and are now realizing they might not have been Jesus, do not despair. The enemy only took advantage of your very real desire for love and wholeness. Jesus has more to offer you than sex. If you will allow Him to sweep away the dust of sexual attention that other spirits want to offer you, you won’t be disappointed. Because He can fill your need with a wholeness, a love and a pleasure that is beyond compare to any sensation that drugs, alcohol or sex could give you. It’s a pleasure and a knowing and a joy and a love that are so deep, they feel as if they might melt my whole personhood into a puddle. But somehow Jesus keeps me from exploding and gives me more of Him than I ever thought I could hold.

Do not despair if you have had sexual encounters with spirits. Share your story. Get the word out. So many people want to know what intimacy with Jesus can be really like and they are searching for the Truth. The Truth is far better than the lie. And if you are open to the Truth, Jesus will shower you with more than you can hold. The lie can only exist in the darkness, in ignorance and in confusion. That’s why I share my story, so that light will be shed in a very intimate, personal and confusing area of life – that of sexuality – that people don’t talk about. Allow Jesus in and let Him love you in a non-sexual way, a better way, and make you whole.

We are all different. Therefore, your story of what the Lord’s love looks like may be slightly different. Jesus KNOWS us each as people and how we best receive love. Therefore, He will give you the kind of experience that reaches your deepest need and how you most deeply can receive it. And it’s not sex. Don’t confuse lust with Jesus. There’s no comparison, and His love is better.

Hi Brenda,

So, here’s my answer to your question, what do I do with Jesus. The most important part of my walk with Jesus right now is conversation. Words are so crucial to me and always have been. To me, conversation is a heart-to-heart connection with people that I cannot get any other way. Physical touch is huge too but I love words. Words and physical touch are my love languages. They vie for first place. So, I would have to ask others, what is their love language? Because I can guarantee that Jesus will meet us where we can most receive love. Also, I would encourage others to realize that Jesus accepts them exactly where they are. I can’t emphasize that enough.

I know I felt sad for ages that I could not offer anything to the Lord. I also, felt awful about this, and still do about people in my life I want to thank but there is nothing on heaven or earth I could give them that would be good enough to thank them for all they do for me. So it is with Jesus. He’s done so much for us, and we’re just empty-handed. And it feels so soul-sucking and can really make you sad if you think like that, that there is nothing you can give the God of the universe because He has it all already.

Here is how I would encourage others who feel that way. Jesus has since shown me that He is already delighted with us. We don’t have to do anything to please Him because He delights in us just being us, because He made us and we reflect a facet of His light and character and that’s what He sees. What Jesus delights in most is spending time with us “just being.” Just being together, just savoring each other’s company. When you, as a person who believes in Him, simply turn your head or eyes to behold His face, doing that inwardly even, like – tuning yourself to be aware of His Presence – that’s what He just loves so much. He loves that more than anything else. Being aware of Him, just you and He looking at each other and savoring each other’s Presence – that THAT THAT. He loves that.

All you need to give Jesus is you. That’s what He died for. That’s what He loves – you. You don’t need to give him your actions, something you can do for Him, just yourself, who you are in that moment, the mess, the stress, the everything that is you. He adores you. And the gift of your heart and gaze is more meaningful to Him than we can possibly understand. I mean, just think. He died for the ability to be in our presence so that we could be with Him forever. He died for that. So, that’s what you can give Jesus. Just thinking of Him makes Him smile. Just looking at Him in your heart.

And if you cannot feel His smile or Presence when you look at Him in your heart, just tell Him that too. Tell him exactly how you feel, honestly. Share your heart, your frustrations, your pain, your loneliness with Him. Cry with Him. He will cry with you. You may not feel it, but you can know it is accurate. The Lord is near to the broken-hearted, especially the broken-hearted that want to give themselves to Him but don’t know how.

As to what I personally do with Jesus together, I am very simple so far. I don’t go on any adventures with Him yet. I’d like to learn how to do that. I live my adventure with Him in life, but doing so in my imagination doesn’t come naturally to me. I have to work at that. So, mostly, I imagine Jesus and I in scenes from YouTube. This is a helpful scaffold for my imaginative thinking.

And often times, I imagine doing “small talk” with Him. Like we’re having a tea party together. To me, that is incredibly meaningful, because I always thought as a kid that Jesus was too important to notice me. I mean, He’s God after all. I imagined Him like the President, too busy to notice a simple kid on the earth like me. When I realized that wasn’t true, having small talk with Jesus about nothing important became a huge favorite activity for me. Like Jesus saying, “How is your coffee?” As I sip an imagined cup of coffee in my hand that I see in the YouTube ambience scene I have playing. And I say, “Oh it’s delicious Lord! That cake you’re eating looks tasty! What does it taste like?” And He might say, “Oh it is, just like walnuts and honey.” Ha ha, this isn’t a conversation I’ve had but it’s similar to ones I do have frequently. We’ll just small talk. And it helps me realize God cares about the little details of life with me and doing small stuff that “doesn’t matter” but really it matters to Him! And that has blown me away. It makes me feel loved when I do that. I’ll often listen to the Lord as well listening to some nature sounds, but a picture won’t come to mind, just words. So I’ll listen to the words that flow into my mind and type those or write them down, but I often won’t see any picture at all. Sometimes, I have to ask Jesus to give me a picture, and when I ask, He always does.

Our “body” refers to our physical flesh, which became temporal the moment Adam and Eve disobeyed God. Hence our flesh (physical body) is merely a container for our soul and spirit, it won’t go with us when we die. Our soul is who we are—our character, personality, and experiences that make us uniquely created by God as an individual. When we become a believer in Jesus our “spirit” is awakened and rejoined to God, returning us to the relationship Adam and Eve had before the fall.

However, because our relationship with Jesus is spiritual and not physical, there is a difference between our love for him and a human marriage. Our love for Jesus is passionate and vibrant, but it is a spiritual love and does not need the physical flesh for us to become one with him. Yes, we experience certain physical aspects of it, for example, the dopamine (mood- boosting neurotransmitters in our brain) we get from Jesus’ love, presence, and spiritual touch. We get warm-fuzzies from dancing with him and holding hands. These can cause physical sensations that can lead to a desire for sex, because our physical body is a part of who we currently are—body, soul, and spirit—and we can’t just separate it out of the mix. However, we can be careful not to involve it, because Jesus doesn’t need to access our physical body to be intimate with us, he goes straight to our spirit, heart, and soul.

Surely, if we already know sex and experience it as humans, God would have prepared an intimacy beyond what we already have in a fallen world with fallen bodies, and beyond what we can imagine. Is the best God can do in intimacy to merely deliver great, physical and emotional sex? NO! The truth is so much better than we could ever imagine. As someone told me, “It transcends all the types of love we know. It’s stronger and more passionate. There is no “self” in intimacy with God. Sex is about self, a craving to satisfy our flesh, a desire for pleasure. God’s love is all about the other—God doesn’t need us for sexual pleasure. He bypasses our flesh and goes straight for our heart.”

Humanly, the most intimate, closest relationship a person can have is within a healthy marriage between a man and a woman. All other relationships, though they can be very close, don’t begin to be what a healthy, married, man and woman share. I like to use the word “healthy” because many marriages aren’t. For example, in a healthy marriage there is trust and respect. The Bible says that in a human marriage two shall become one, and that encompasses body, soul, and spirit. You can’t become “one” if one or both spouses, for whatever reasons, can’t give and receive, or if one spouse can’t trust or respect the other. That isn’t to say all is lost, it merely means that you have some healing to work on in your marriage that may take professional help and God’s healing. It also doesn’t exclude you from a love relationship with Jesus, though it might make it harder to trust him or believe that he loves you personally.

No friend, lover, or parent and child can have such an intimate relationship as a couple in a healthy marriage. Jesus, who loves us more than we can even imagine, wants the closest relationship possible with us. That relationship is a marriage; hence we are his bride and not his fiancé. He wants that two-become-one relationship with us spiritually.

We get confused when we take spiritual terminology that is related to marriage and apply it to dating. When the New Testament refers to us as the bride of Christ it is translated from two different Hebrew words. One means “a woman, specially a wife” and in the KJV, New KJV, and American Standard Version the word is translated as “wife.” For example, Revelation 19:7 says, “Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him; for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.” (KJV)

The other word translated as bride in the New Testament means “a young married woman, by implication a son’s wife.” The KJV translates it as “bride” or “daughter-in-law.” For example, Revelation 21:9 says, “One of the seven angels who had the seven bowls full of the seven last plagues came and said to me, “Come, I will show you the bride (daughter-in-law), the wife of the Lamb.” (NIV)

In other words, we are the “wife” of Christ, not His fiancée or his current date. Contrary to what some websites and books claim we are doing by loving Jesus as our Bridegroom, we are not “dating” Jesus.

The marriage relationship with Jesus, as in falling in love and growing in our maturity and love for him, does, in many ways, follow a human pattern. But we’re never “dating” Jesus, unless you want to apply that to before we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior and are deciding whether to commit our lives to him. Once we accept him as our Lord and Savior and commit our life to him, we are married, not dating. We are in an everlasting marriage with Jesus, a commitment, a covenant between him and us. We’re not living together without the commitment or having a fling, we are in a committed, marriage relationship.

Remember how Mary and Joseph were initially committed to each other by a covenant? Even though the marriage ceremony wouldn’t happen until later and they didn’t live together or have sex, the covenant was so binding that when Mary was pregnant she could already be treated as being in adultery. At salvation we enter the marriage covenant with Jesus. Even though the marriage ceremony will be later, in heaven, we are already married to him.

When dating we’re in the process of looking for a mate and we try out different people to find the one we emotionally connect with. Even as a fiancée we are still in that trial period where we can back out. Yes, dating has a definite sexual undertone to it, it’s a part of our body’s created system to find a mate.

However, dating is also so much more than that, or should be if you want a true marriage. You’re looking to emotionally connect with someone, to find that spark telling you that they’re the one in a million for you, that you can be best friends besides sexual partners. While in the dating phase of life your sexual antenna are definitely looking for a signal, marriage is different. Sure, the sexual is there but the pressure is off (you can have sex anytime so it’s not the end all to be all), but again, so much more is involved as you also become spiritually and emotionally one. You’re learning to trust, to respect, to honor, to get-inside-their-head and know them. You’re learning to physically adjust to living in the same space. You’re blending two very different family cultures together and compromising. A good example of family cultures blending is to look at a couple’s first Christmas, as they try to merge two styles and traditions into one.

The Bible tells us we are Jesus’ bride and uses marriage terminology (not dating terminology) to denote spiritual intimacy and relationship. The proverbial marriage bed represents intimacy, but more than just the sexual. What goes on in the marriage bed stays there, unless one of the two choose to share. It is the one place that is utterly private—no cameras, guests, or newspaper reporters.

In a healthy marriage it is the ultimate intimacy, whether sexually, sharing hearts in pillow-talk, or just physically and emotionally holding each other. It is baring yourself body, soul, and spirit. It’s not just about getting physically naked with each other, you also get emotionally and spiritually naked.

I love this quote off Twitter by suli@sulibreaks:

me and my wife both woke up randomly at 2AM yesterday! Instead of going back to bed we spent the next few hrs in the dark chatting and laughing about random sh*t we been thru over the years! nice reminder why being married to your best friend is lit 😊

As a picture of intimacy sex within marriage is different than sex outside of marriage because it is a commitment that isn’t there without the marriage vows. Within the context of marriage, sex is a gift to your spouse, reserved for them, and given as a part of you in order to become one. In a healthy marriage you hold nothing back, not that you share everything or lose yourself, but in that you allow them to know you. You’re not holding back in case there’s a fight or break-up or one walks out or is kicked out. You give yourself unreservedly to the other, in trust and commitment. Not that you lose your identity, but that you choose to commit yourself to the one you love and give them access to all of who you are—body, soul, and spirit.

While there is marriage terminology that can humanly have sexual connotations, we take those and apply a spiritual aspect. Even humanly, many of the words we would term “sexual” aren’t always. In dating, holding hands is much more sexual than in marriage, because dating builds up the desire without the release. Biblically the sexual consummation of two people is reserved for marriage. A married couple holding hands is a way to touch and emotionally connect, a gesture of intimacy because they can have sex anytime they want.

In many countries holding hands isn’t sexual. When I was growing up in Thailand friends of the same sex held hands as they walked down the street. Even kissing, while generally equated with being sexual, doesn’t have to be. A kiss on the forehead, cheek, even a peck on the lips is often not sexual.

Leaving on a road trip I hugged my husband Terry and gave him a goodbye peck on the lips. It was an expression of love, not communicating a desire for sex. Instead it said “I hope you have a wonderful time enjoying your own little vacation and I’m going to miss you.” Of course, had I known he would come home from work that night, fall asleep, and wake with Jesus, my kiss would have spoken a lot more!

Again, while dancing with a date or someone who is not your spouse is sexual, dancing with a spouse, while it has a sexual aspect, also holds an emotional intimacy, a closeness, the melding of two hearts and bodies into one.

For example, when dating Terry if I caught his eye across the room I would blush, feel self-conscious, and feel attracted to him. After being married a glance more often told us what the other was thinking. Someone could say something and Terry and I would look at each other and laugh because of a private joke. I knew Terry’s heart and he knew mine. We understood each other.

I knew his feelings and emotions just by the expressions on his face or his body language. I could look at him and know if he was in a good mood or a bad one, if his arthritis was hurting him, or if he was tired. I knew when we were talking to someone if he was taking them seriously or if he was annoyed by what they were saying. If he believed their story or if he didn’t. I could hear something and know how Terry was going to react when he heard it. We were attuned to each other. We knew each other.

That knowing was because we were intimate, married, and lived our lives together. We trusted and respected the other and we were attracted sexually to each other. In that way the two of us became one: body (physically), soul (emotionally), and spirit.

In trying to wrap my head around Jesus knowing us, I considered how that would look in a marriage. Suppose out of the blue your husband came and said, “I want a divorce.” “Why?” You’d ask in a panic. “Because I’ve never known you,” he’d say. What would that mean? It would mean that you never let him in, never opened your soul to him, never let him into your emotional space, into who you really are. You kept walls up. Sure you were married and sure you lived together and sure you had fun and did stuff, but unless you let your husband in past your walls and your masks, he doesn’t really know you. He only is allowed to know what you let him know, not the real you.

That’s like it is with Jesus, he wants us to let him in. He wants to really know us past our masks and walls, where we let him in emotionally. We do that when we do things with him, like take him to show him our favorite places or when we hang out and tease him. When we build a history of emotions and experiences then we’re letting him know us, we’re letting him share who we really are. And it’s wonderful and he loves it. :)

In our culture we generally use the term “bride” as one getting married, but Biblically it is as a wife. As we passionately pursue Jesus it is to become one with him—heart, soul, and Spirit.

Here is something I wrote that gives an example of our relationship with Jesus. This isn’t about submission or equality between men and women, or stereotypes of the marriage role. It is about the respect and love between a man and a woman. I realize this is from a woman’s perspective, but I don’t currently have any examples of a man’s perspective except for Terry’s.

What does a husband do?

He serves me and I serve him.
He loves, treasures, and cherishes me above all else.
He protects me, whether from mice, bad weather, or danger.
He confides in me and trusts me to keep his secrets.
He provides for me a place of security, safety, and rest.
He protects me from other people, their prying eyes and invasiveness.
He provides me with privacy.
He supports me as my provider, and even if I’m working he carries the responsibility for his family.
He shares his heart, his dreams, his hopes, his vulnerable places.
He provides me with pleasure and expects pleasure from me.
He wants to be with me and enjoys my company.
He expects me to bring him good, to represent him with dignity.
He expects me to understand his heart, to cry with him and laugh with him.
He wants me to see and love him first as my Beloved.
He wants me to go leaping and skipping with him over the mountains ministering with him to the world.
We should be able to communicate as only lovers can, heart to heart and eye to eye, understanding each glance and expression.
He wants to get to know me more intimately and for me to get to know him intimately, for the two of us to become one.
He guards me from emotionally damaging relationships and hurts.

He shields me and protects me without smothering.
He serves without making me feel helpless.
He protects me without keeping me prisoner.
He provides for me without strings.
He supports me without being controlling.
He is vulnerable without being weak.
He wants companionship and love without demanding all my time and attention.
He wants my undivided attention and waits patiently for it.
He wants me to trust him with everything, to give him my life so He can love and take care of me, yet doesn’t demand my freedom.

Jesus is there for you, as your husband, walking beside you and loving you.

The most important thing here is to not go running away from the relationship merely because your physical body gets involved. However, that can be frightening and make us feel shame, or like we made the relationship “dirty,” or we get scared that we’re getting into something bad. However, even though it can feel this way, it isn’t something to run away from. As long as our hearts are true towards Jesus and we’re not wanting the sexual, then we can just take control of our bodies and change our focus.

Jesus never brings shame, condemnation, or guilt. He will gently and lovingly bring us back to center and help us learn to keep our physical bodies out of the mix. He understands and wants to help us. The physical is a human response and in the same way we learn to use our spiritual senses over our physical ones, we also learn to have a Bridegroom relationship in the spiritual.

Jesus pursues us passionately and lovingly, and in that context our body can join in, but there are ways to move away from that aspect of it. Jesus isn’t judging us for it unless we’re purposely choosing it. I had a woman write me saying she didn’t know how to not have sexual feelings for Jesus. Then she went on to tell me the sexual atmosphere where she was spending her Jesus time.

Jesus romances our heart. However, there are times when our body doesn’t react the way we want it to so we need to guard against getting too physically involved. The old saying is that you can’t stop a bird from flying over your head but you don’t have to let it build a nest in your hair. If your love for Jesus turns sexual then just stop what you’re doing and do something else that your physical body won’t react to. In the future just go with a different mindset. Choose to switch your mind from “this is sexual” to the romance of him wooing your heart.

For example, you can read this that I wrote to Jesus through a lens that perceives it as sexual, or you can read it through him spiritually romancing my heart:

Your eyes dance and sparkle
and Your voice is music to my ears.
Your arms are strong and powerful
while Your kisses fall delightfully sweet.

I drink Your presence like nectar.
The very mention of Your name makes me drunk.
Your love is as strong as the ocean waves but Your touch is as soft as a feather.
I feast my eyes on Your beauty.
Your fragrance is intoxication.
Your fingers drip honey as they feed me.
Only You can sustain me day by day.

Clear, sparkling Water; fresh, fragrant Bread
Spiced wine and honeycomb, choice fruits and nuts,
olive oil and cedar and pomegranates.

Everything beautiful, everything delicious, everything to be desired – that’s You.

I personally don’t imagine kissing Jesus because that is too sexual for me. He once kissed me on my cheek, taking me by surprise, but it was pure love, not sexual. The romance is Jesus holding my hand, sitting by me, walking and talking and eating, having fun, sitting in front of a fire in a cabin, telling jokes, even holding me. It is Jesus telling me how much he loves me and can’t wait for us to be together, the way he looks at me, his eyes, his laugh, the feeling he gives me when we’re together of how special I am. It is giving me gifts and showing me in a million ways how much he loves me, and me showing him my love.

The fact is that there may be times where your physical body responds against your will and if that happens don’t worry, you have done nothing wrong. Satan will, of course, delightedly use it to beat you up and make you feel bad, and by condemning yourself you’ve put the stick in his hand.

The physical is foremost in our world. We eat, drink, and breathe physical. Hence, the physical signs of intimacy get all mixed up occasionally with spiritual intimacy. If you let worrying about feeling sexually involved stop you from being with Jesus than satan has won. If you let condemnation or fear stop you from the beauty of your relationship with Jesus, than satan has won. If you let your physical feelings make you draw back from Jesus, than satan has won. The only way that satan doesn’t win is for you to go to Jesus and tell him that you don’t want your relationship to bring sexual feelings and you’re not purposely going there, so would he and Holy Spirit please help you deal with it the right way, and that you are not giving up your relationship with him.

Tell him you are still choosing to pursue him with everything you have and trust him not to deceive you, even if your body turns traitor. One of satan’s biggest tools (a close kin of fear, which is the biggest), is shame. To allow yourself to feel shame is to hand the victory to satan. Don’t do it, take it to Holy Spirit, He’s your tutor, he’s the one to tell you how to handle it. It may not even happen anymore. Again, we are so quick to run to satan when something goes wrong (as in condemning and pulling away from God). Why not instead, when things go awry, let them send us running into God’s arms?

Jesus loves you so much and he’s not worried about your physical reactions. He can handle it. He’s not judging you, he’s so proud of you and that you love him so much. He knows your heart.

While we should hold back from doing specific things that lead to sexual feelings, we should never hold back on our intimacy and pursuit of Jesus. It is merely our flesh reacting to something that is real from God. Look at the fruit that comes from your relationship with God, how your heart is crying out for more of him. How you are being changed in who you are because of him. How you have more compassion and generosity and love for others because of him. I can guarantee that if you hang out long with Jesus you will be changed.

First of all, don’t feel bad about it. Jesus loves your passion for him and honors your heart. It delights him to love you. Never let your feelings drive you away from him, that is the worst thing you can do. That would break his heart.

I would suggest stepping out of the sexual aspect of the relationship and asking Holy Spirit to show you the Truth. Be honest with Jesus, he knows your heart anyway. However, it is important for you to acknowledge how you feel and what you think. If you were misled he understands and will show you the way out.

If you’re struggling to (or don’t want to) believe that it’s wrong and not a part of a Bridegroom relationship, then tell Jesus. Ask him to show you the Truth and then be open to hearing it. As you continue from that place ask him to forgive anything you have mistakenly gotten into and ask his help as you move into a true relationship of the heart, soul, and Spirit. Then make sure what you do with Jesus is not in a sexual setting or anything that would lead to those feelings. If you find yourself there, then stop and do something else. Show Jesus that you truly seek his Truth and want him, not to satisfy your own flesh. True love is all about the other, it isn’t about wanting to satisfy our physical desires for our own pleasure.

I have been asked more than once if Jesus was gay. This question usually comes from someone believing it, or asking because of the human nature of a man loving another man. Part of their support of this is John’s reference in John 13:23 of himself being “the disciple whom Jesus loved,” along with John’s reference to himself leaning back against Jesus to ask him a question. Another way this is misapplied is using 1 Samuel 18, where David and Jonathan were closer than brothers.

Jonathan and David were not gay, they were best, closest friends, not sex partners. The Bible says they were closer than brothers, not that they were lovers. Granted, it is hard to understand men in love with Jesus because our broken, earthly, physical minds can’t comprehend a pure love that isn’t about our physical body. But I’ve known many men who passionately loved Jesus without it being physical.

In my experience it is almost always worship leaders who fall in love with Jesus in this Bridegroom context, understanding it isn’t a sexual thing but it is a matter of their heart being one with Jesus. There are men who get involved in the sexual aspect of love for Jesus but I truly believe this isn’t purposeful, just confusion born out of a true heart for Jesus.

In no way are my remarks here to be taken as judgment or condemnation against ones who are living a homosexual lifestyle. Our purpose on earth is to love others, modeling Jesus. Please understand that my words are about the practice of homosexuality, not about the person.

The Bible clearly speaks against homosexuality in any form. There is only a marriage and love between a man and a woman referring to a person’s gender at birth. The fact that men desire men or women desire women is not from God, it comes from living in a fallen world. The way God gently draws them to him is up to God, not us or our self-righteousness. We are to love everyone as God’s creation and treasure.

There is no possibility that anything to do with God, Jesus, or Holy Spirit is linked to homosexuality. God makes it clear that, while he loves the people, he hates the act of homosexuality. Here are a few places it is mentioned.

Romans 1:27
27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.

Leviticus 18:22-24
22 “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.
23 “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with an animal and defile yourself with it. A woman must not present herself to an animal to have sexual relations with it; that is a perversion.
24 “ ‘Do not defile yourselves in any of these ways, because this is how the nations that I am going to drive out before you became defiled.

Leviticus 20:13
13 “ ‘If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11
9 Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men
10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
11 And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

1 Timothy 1:8-11
8 We know that the law is good if one uses it properly.
9 We also know that the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers,
10 for the sexually immoral, for those practicing homosexuality, for slave traders and liars and perjurers—and for whatever else is contrary to the sound doctrine
11 that conforms to the gospel concerning the glory of the blessed God, which he entrusted to me.

Romans 1:26-28
26 Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones.
27 In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.
28 Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done.

1 Corinthians 7:2
2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.

But remember, it is only the act of homosexuality that God hates, he loves each of us as his treasure. It is your heart towards God that he is searching, give it to him and he’ll show you the way. He loves you.

The Bride of Christ is definitely a body as a whole, but you cannot have a body unless it is made up of individuals. You can’t take a bunch of fish and put them together and make a body, a body is made up of individual, human bodies, to corporately become a whole. Would Jesus rather come back for a corporate body made up of slaves, children, servants, friends, and workers, or would he rather come for a Bride made up of individual brides who love him passionately? In Revelation 22:17 we get that answer, when it says, “The Spirit and the bride say ‘Come!” The Greek word for “say” can be translated “call.” Jesus is coming back when his bride is so passionate about him that she is crying out for his return.

Therefore, while we are all part of one corporate, passionate Bride who can’t wait to be with her Bridegroom, that corporate Bride is made up of individual brides. That doesn’t exclude the importance of the church (body, Bride), but our focus, whether we’re alone or in a body, is to be on Jesus. We are individual Christians who are supposed to have a personal (individual) relationship with God. First there are Christians, then there is a body, you can’t start with a body made up of nothing to which you then start adding individuals. No individual brides, no corporate Bride.

For example, Congress is a good analogy. Congress is an entity that makes laws and tends to the business of the government of the United States. When we refer to Congress we are referring to it as a whole and to what it does as a whole, just as we refer to the Bride as a whole entity in that context. When we refer to Congress we are not referring to any of the individuals who make up Congress, we are referring to the entity. But, can you have Congress without any individuals? Does it matter who is in that body? Yes, it must be made up of people who care about the United States, who are educated and who understand the processes. Can we have a Congress that is made up of beggars, convicts, derelicts, children, uneducated people, foreigners, or youth who are at that stage where the world revolves around them? No. We must have a body of people who understand the purpose of Congress, who are educated in the things that Congress controls, who want the best for the United States, and who have lived here long enough to understand what the United States stands for. So, while we refer to Congress and what it does as an entity in itself, it is very important who the individuals are and their interest in the US, as they are also “Congress.”

I see Matthew 6:6 as showing that our intimacy with God is personal. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. (NIV)

If it was all about the corporate Bride we’d be told the opposite, to pray loudly in public, to let everyone know when we fast and suffer for Jesus, and to announce to everyone when we do anything for God. Yet he tells us the opposite, that relationship is about being in the secret place with him.

Yes, God is wholly God without us. It doesn’t make him any less God to have a place that only we can fill, to hunger for our company, to desire our love even to the death, and to make us his bride. It makes him more God.

1 John 4:8 tells us that God is love. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. Again in I John 4:16: And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

It’s not just that he loves, but he IS love. What is the point of love if there is no object to receive that love? The very word denotes a lover and a recipient of love. There is no Biblical indication that God loves the angels, and there are verses that indicate it is not a love relationship, for example, Heb 1:14 Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?

We complete God’s love. I John 2:5 tells us, But if anyone obeys his word, God’s love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him. We’re told again in I John 4:12 that No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

God created us for a relationship where he gives and receives love. As much emphasis as God puts in the Bible on the fact that he IS love, on his love for us, and on his desire for our love, shows us that he is emotionally involved, both corporately and individually, in mankind. So emotionally involved, in fact, that he allows a part of his Godhead to dwell within us in order for us to have the capability of loving him the way he so desperately wants us to (Acts 2:38,28). This intense love causes him to give us his mind (I Co. 2:16), to adopt us as sons alongside his real Son (Romans 8:15,16; Ephesians 2:6), provide us with his inheritance (Ephesians 1:13,14), and to seek each one of us out to walk in a personal relationship with him (John 15:15). His love moves him to jealousy (II Co. 11:2), provokes him to anger (Mark 3:5), and causes him to literally beg us to come back from our waywardness and love him (Luke 13:34). It has him rejoicing over us with singing one minute (Zephaniah 3:17) and weeping brokenheartedly the next (Luke 19:41). He cries over us the way a mother’s heart breaks over her children (Luke 13:34). He loves us in a way that only Love Himself can. And he feels a great loss when we don’t respond to that love.

God pursued us (I John 4:10), performing the greatest act of love that exists. (John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.) He didn’t do it just out of charity, or feeling sorry for us, or because having created us it was his duty. He felt so emotionally in love with us that he chose to do it because we were worth it. Love needed us to complete Love. Over and over the Bible refers to a union between us and God, and the nature of a union is that two are united into one. Here are some examples:

God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. (1 John 4:16)

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? (Matt 19:4-6) But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with Him in spirit. (1 Co. 6:17)

Remain in me, and I will remain in you. (John 15:4-27)

Jesus replied, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. (John 14:23)

Marriage, the greatest expression of love on earth, was created by God, and we are his bride. (See Ephesians 5:31,32; I Corinthians 6:17; and II Corinthians 11:2.) In I Corinthians 6:17, when he says But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with Him in spirit, it stands to reason that the God who created marriage for a man and a woman to complete each other also expects his marriage with his bride to work that way.

While God is wholly God without us, there is a place we fill in him that nothing else can fill. When it comes to God loving man, Ezekiel 16 and the second chapter of Hosea are two of the most heartbreaking chapters of the Bible, as a broken-hearted God cries out for us, his beloved. I cannot read the verses below and not believe that there is a place in God that needs our love. Otherwise, we would not have the ability to cause him such deep, heart-rending pain.

“And you took your sons and daughters whom you bore to me and sacrificed them as food to the idols. Was your prostitution not enough? You slaughtered my children and sacrificed them to the idols.” (Ezekiel 16:20,21)

“You adulterous wife! You prefer strangers to your own husband!” (Ezekiel 16:32)

“How can I give you up, Ephraim? How can I hand you over, Israel? How can I treat you like Admah? How can I make you like Zeboiim? My heart is changed within me; all my compassion is aroused.” (Hosea 11:8)

“You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them. And you took your embroidered clothes to put on them, and you offered my oil and incense before them. Also the food I provided for you– the fine flour, olive oil and honey I gave you to eat– you offered as fragrant incense before them. That is what happened, declares the Sovereign LORD.” (Ezekiel 16:17-19)

“I will punish her for the days she burned incense to the Baals; she decked herself with rings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but me she forgot,” declares the LORD.” (Hosea 2:13)

“O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!” (Luke 13:34)

What a love story! It is so grand, so noble, and so true. It is so beautiful, good-hearted, and strong, withstanding every attempt by satan to destroy it. Through the ages God continues to woo us back to him. And this fairy-tale does end with happily-ever-after. We will stand by our King and speak our marriage vows to each other. He will be wholly loved and we will be wholly loved. God is wholly God, and it doesn’t make him any less God for him to need us to complete his love.

I received an email saying, “Just got the book The Wild Romancer. My friend told me I needed the Journey Guide with it but she didn’t explain. Can you tell me what this is all about?”

My response was this:

I think what your friend must mean by your needing the Journey Guide is that it is what makes the whole book personal to you. After I wrote The Wild Romancer people would tell me, “That’s great, but now you need to write the book that tells us how to get there ourselves.” At first I was in shock and would think to myself, “That’s what this book IS, telling you how to get this relationship with Jesus for yourself!”

But then I caught on to what people were wanting. It all sounds good and is exciting, however, once a person is actually sitting down with Jesus they don’t know what to do. Now what? What they wanted to know was how to get past the awkward part of starting out. Do you make your mind blank, do you … what? So I wrote the Journey Guide to go along with the book, and what it does is just give you prompts to get your time with Jesus started. It’s fun little things to think about and do that will take away the awkwardness of getting started. In fact, I’ve worked through it myself, just for the fun of it.

While the book is good (if I do say so myself) I do believe that the Journey Guide is much more valuable, because it is about your own, personal journey.

I think using the books would be great to do as a group. However, because this relationship is so personal it might be more fun to do with close friends, or as a small group. Each day in the Journey Guide is about your experience.

If you’d like to use it in a group setting I would suggest reading the chapter and talking about it together. Then anyone who wants to can share about their individual time with Jesus.

I worked through it with a best friend because I wanted to see how it worked, but also because it was going to be fun to do! My friend and I would meet and talk about our times with Jesus. Some were too personal but others were so cool or funny we had to share. We both grew, not only in our relationship with Jesus but in our friendship.

I think hearing about other’s experiences with Jesus spurs us on to wanting more, and also shows us ways to get out of our box. It’s amazing how doing the exercises showed me things I wouldn’t have expected about myself. For example, one prompt is to imagine that you’re under water, just floating and enjoying the feel of it, and I found that I was very uncomfortable doing that. I don’t like being under water, even with Jesus!